Toxic

About a year ago, a man that I’ve liked since the second I met him and I spent an evening together. We talked, bullshitted, caught up, gossiped, all the things friends usually do. It started getting late and I announced my departure. While getting my purse and keys in order he grabbed me for a bear hug, kissed me on the cheek and said he loved me. I was immediately flustered and awkwardness fell over the perfect evening. I’ve never been one to lead anyone on, so automatically I began to denounce his statement but he cut my sentence short. He assured me that he didn’t want to marry me or have children with me, he loved me like a very close friend. He loves his best friend, he loves friends he’s known since childhood, but even though we had not been acquainted very long, he still loved me. I was taken aback, still slightly disturbed, but smiled, hugged and kissed then said goodbye. Once in a while this memory comes across my mind and I smile as I think how insane it sounded. About 9 months have passed, we say hello when we pass each other, never carrying on an interesting or lengthy conversation, but I still hold him in high regard. Since then I’ve met loads of people, some I see once a month, others every other day. One new friend is truly unbelievable. Anything I could dream of is provided if I were to frankly ask for it. While this is nifty, it isn’t necessarily abused. Just the other day I came upon some dismal news very early in the day, and what should have been a sunny, busy day immediately turned into a somber, downcast one. I found myself shuffling my feet instead of taking quick paced strides downtown, my head slightly dropped instead of held high to greet anyone I came across on the street with a smile and salutation. I was spotted slogging down the pavement and received a text, it was a reminder about the lengthy time apart it had been since I had seen him and that I needed to also stop by to pick up some articles he had gathered for me in favor. I had totally forgotten about them and was genuinely filled with felicity. I had not had to remind him, he took the initiative on his own and as crummy as I was feeling, it’s like he knew I needed the sweet pick me up. With a grin on my face, quickly putting my thumbs to work in responding I wrote “Thank you so much! I love you!” As speedily as I had written it I stopped, gawking at it and erased it. I hadn’t meant to write those three revered words, they just spewed from my fingertips. Then, I thought about it. The event that had passed almost a year ago finally made sense. Although he is a very gentle, flush and impressive man, I couldn’t fathom having an intimate relationship with him. Yes, we were friends and I would be distressed if any harm were to come to him, but I didn’t feel any attraction to him that could lead to anything more than our already steady friendship. Love is a word I don’t use often, it’s sacred, not to be thrown around playfully or candidly; it’s a concept I only dedicate to my truly cherished. Knowing that’s how I always have felt, it was only evident that I was truly enamored with our friendship, I had finally learned to love on a different level and admit it.

It’s definitely hard growing up, especially in this day and age. Everyone is so cold and egocentric, everyone forgets about being urbane and cordial. It’s all too common to throw around the L word just to stifle anyone’s woes, without determining the long time effect the word should carry. I’m favored when it comes to learning life lessons early in age, I’m grateful that the people I meet and keep only contribute to my integral growth, both mentally and spiritually. I thank you for opening my disposition, for detouring me from my methodical paths and most of all, for loving me.

<3<3